::_memories unforgottened_::
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
November 2004
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
October 2005
February 2006
March 2006
November 2006
December 2006
December 2007
May 2008
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
woahz! im so surprise im back.
Its 1:45am. I has been lying in bed for the past one hour. Trying to sleep early but doesnt seemed to be able to. I dunno why tears seemed to be more and more uncontrollable nowadays.
Is it the down period again or what? I juz seemed so totally back in my bubbles. I think its time i accept my mother's perception on me that im introvert. I might seemed so always outspoken and bubbly and wadever but in me i always have difficulty expressing myself. Think mayb thats y im back here again baz......i tink im really Kaixin just in name.
Everything sux. Wonder if anywan gone through what im going through, to a point that you feel so rejected from the world emotionally that you just want to hide away, in some nobody can find you place. To feel that everyone around you are actually just a gust of passing smoke, and even the very person you truely put your heart in to love is just a illusion for emotional belonging. No, everybody is not treating me coldly or badly or neglecting me, everybody still smile and showed concern for me, but its just that how mat are genuine? Must it always be that somebody is down then you come forward and ask about it and show concern and remember to ask about the person? or how many actually do care even when its justa normal everyday.
ok maybe im expecting too much, or mayb im attention seeking. Its just a sad realisation about 越飞越高越寂寞。So old liaoz then i come to realise if I were to ask myself whether I have any very close friends, I not sure what to answer. Everybody moves on with their own lifes, most only look back occassionally to look at you. how many actually will hold your hand as a friend and walk the journey with you?
i suddenly feel so empty. Used to have like so many seemingly friends. I remember last time when i walk down orchard road, every few hundred meters will see some friends or have someone to say hi too~ i remember I used to have schedules of people asking mi out and I will always try to slot in enough time to meet up with everyone even to the extend or irrational travelling and wearieness. Now? i hardly can find a person who will put down what they have on hand to pay a little attention to me. Im sick of asking people out anymore partially due to scared of rejection and partially im not sure how much I am worth to them. Its just the same feeling like when you were in pre-school and when you were asked to partner up, you so hope that you will have a partner that without any doubts of hestation will be your partner always and you are so scared that you are the odd one out.
To dear, I've never doubt your love for me, but please forgive me if my expectations is not what you can give me. Im not sure whether im being unreasonable or over-expecting. But you just made me felt second-class citizen. So many things that i expect yet get disappointed. So many things that I remember you promising me but it doesnt seemed to exist in you anymore. I dont like to feel disappointed and hurt. Dont always tell me how much you love me, all I need is to feel it and not hear or read it. Dont tell me you want to be with me in my bubble or in our bubble, bcos I opened up my bubble for you before but you never came in. Dont always ask me what's wrong cos when it happened, i usually do not know how to express it up or im almost to theverge of giving up and does not want to speak about it anymore, afraid that im vulnerable to my own emotions.
I've always respect you to have your own life, to spend time for yourself and what you want to do. But when is it my turn to be in your piority list? not just by saying it but at least try to tell what I have been looking forward to with u. i waited one season after another, after you being busy with one thing and another, when you said you busy with your commitee, i waited, when u start sch and is stress with projects, I waited. when you are having exams, I waited. When you went overseas, I waited. how long more do I have to wait? Im also not very sure whether what i saying is making any sense anymore. Im just feeling so sad, it feels just like when you'r a kid, mummy or daddy or anibody mention somethign to you that makes you so look forward to it, but will end up realising they said it without meaning it, and what you have expecting all along was just ome words that escaped from the mouth of others.
Guess I have to go do my Christmas shopping along, go watch Swan Lake alone, go eat whatever I want to eat alone, go wherever I want to go alone, go overseas alone, go for all my gatherings alone and when people ask , I just smile and say he's busy, or tell some white lies to pave my way down the stage. I guess I have to make alternative plans to spend my Christmas Eve and New Year eve alone.
To all my 'friends' out there, enjoy your festive seasons with your friends. When will people treasure me like treasure them? Or have I not treasure them enough for them to treasure me as friends.
::__. eXquisTic . SoPhiStIcaTion____::
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
